The Burbank Diet

Every time you see a 7-11, stop and get a slurpee. (Note: Cherry and Coke are better than any of the new colorful flavors.)

Make your own plans. Don't wait for the phone to ring, ever.

Whenever you are waiting for the phone to ring, go hit tennis balls.

Do not turn on the TV unless you are going to watch a movie. Watch movies only at night.

Write for an hour every day.

Do not check you email every 10 minutes.

Do the dishes, take out the trash, go to the grocery -- at least once a week.

Spend one morning a week faxing resumes.

Spend one afternoon a week making phone calls.

Exercise once a day.

Never leave the TV on all day.

Listen to Audiobooks like "The Art of War" -- and think of yourself as a ninja in training.

Shave every day.

Do not let yourself lie down on your bed in the middle of the day.

Understand that it is time to train like Rocky for a fight which you are destined to lose, against the Apollo Creeds of the world.

Look at yourself and your life honestly, but look forward purposefully.

Do not drink alone or drive after drinking.

Try out those Atkin's beers. Maybe they aren't horrible. Or maybe just drink less real beer.

Make new friends when you can, look around yourself when you go somewhere new, act naturally, and try not to feel awkward or shy. That is bullshit and you know it.

Organize thy life into one hour increments, into files and file folders, into piles and to do lists. And then bother to learn the systems you set up, and try to follow through.

Never flake out on someone. This is what everyone does and it is expected, so if you don't, you will be unexpected.

Write letters. Buy postcards. Make phone calls.

Sit down and write. Sit down and edit.

Drink less coffee. Drink more water.

Look at things from inside yourself, asking questions. And bother to answer them.

Where are you? What are you doing? What do you want to do? What do you want to be?

Drop modesty. Tell people why they should listen to you. (Except don't mention Arnold unless you can tell by the golf shirt, by the watch, by the haircut, that you are speaking to a Republican.)

Do not judge people. Just form strong opinions.

Do not judge your city. It is sunny here. It is a time warp, a black hole. And it is great! Do not resent the happiness people feel out here. Just because they are not in New York does not mean they are worthless human beings. They are, surprisingly, just like you.

Get a dog. Name it after something important to you. Make friends with it.

Don't be pretentious. And don't be unpretentious. Drop the idea of being cooler than you are.

Eat well. Cook.

Wash your car.

Miss your girlfriend.

Look for new things you haven't seen before. Take notes. Never decline an invitation.

Read a very big book. Tolstoy is good. Oprah's book club is reading "Anna Karenina."

Follow your sports teams.

Eat plenty of Mexican food.

Go to movies alone once in awhile.

Listen to good music. Go to shows with friends.

Never forget that you are hungry, that you are after things. This place makes you a very happy failure.