The Burbank Diet

Every time you see a 7-11, stop and get a slurpee. (Note: Cherry and Coke are better than any of the new colorful flavors.)

Make your own plans. Don't wait for the phone to ring, ever.

Whenever you are waiting for the phone to ring, go hit tennis balls.

Do not turn on the TV unless you are going to watch a movie. Watch movies only at night.

Write for an hour every day.

Do not check you email every 10 minutes.

Do the dishes, take out the trash, go to the grocery -- at least once a week.

Spend one morning a week faxing resumes.

Spend one afternoon a week making phone calls.

Exercise once a day.

Never leave the TV on all day.

Listen to Audiobooks like "The Art of War" -- and think of yourself as a ninja in training.

Shave every day.

Do not let yourself lie down on your bed in the middle of the day.

Understand that it is time to train like Rocky for a fight which you are destined to lose, against the Apollo Creeds of the world.

Look at yourself and your life honestly, but look forward purposefully.

Do not drink alone or drive after drinking.

Try out those Atkin's beers. Maybe they aren't horrible. Or maybe just drink less real beer.

Make new friends when you can, look around yourself when you go somewhere new, act naturally, and try not to feel awkward or shy. That is bullshit and you know it.

Organize thy life into one hour increments, into files and file folders, into piles and to do lists. And then bother to learn the systems you set up, and try to follow through.

Never flake out on someone. This is what everyone does and it is expected, so if you don't, you will be unexpected.

Write letters. Buy postcards. Make phone calls.

Sit down and write. Sit down and edit.

Drink less coffee. Drink more water.

Look at things from inside yourself, asking questions. And bother to answer them.

Where are you? What are you doing? What do you want to do? What do you want to be?

Drop modesty. Tell people why they should listen to you. (Except don't mention Arnold unless you can tell by the golf shirt, by the watch, by the haircut, that you are speaking to a Republican.)

Do not judge people. Just form strong opinions.

Do not judge your city. It is sunny here. It is a time warp, a black hole. And it is great! Do not resent the happiness people feel out here. Just because they are not in New York does not mean they are worthless human beings. They are, surprisingly, just like you.

Get a dog. Name it after something important to you. Make friends with it.

Don't be pretentious. And don't be unpretentious. Drop the idea of being cooler than you are.

Eat well. Cook.

Wash your car.

Miss your girlfriend.

Look for new things you haven't seen before. Take notes. Never decline an invitation.

Read a very big book. Tolstoy is good. Oprah's book club is reading "Anna Karenina."

Follow your sports teams.

Eat plenty of Mexican food.

Go to movies alone once in awhile.

Listen to good music. Go to shows with friends.

Never forget that you are hungry, that you are after things. This place makes you a very happy failure.

They WON!

Andrew Volpe's band Ludo won the contest and will be
playing live August 2 on fuse TV, and making a $25,000
video made in NYC on August 13th! Thank you for voting!

Travels with Sam

Sam arrived in LA a day or two before I expected him to.

"Hey man, I'm flying into Long Beach tomorrow morning, ok?" He also flew into a different airport than I thought. But when I picked him up I was the one who was late.

Sam Mestman -- the genius behind "Golf on Film," "Project: Redlight," and now "Sell Out," -- like most geniuses, is mostly misunderstood. An extremely creative person, he often makes simple mistakes with the details. For example, two weeks ago he called me and asked me to help him with a project. Here is a re-creation of the exchange:

SAM: I'm coming out to California to do a camp video, at this place between San Francisco and Los Angeles.
JOE: When?
SAM: It's going to be on a weekend.

Sure enough, it is not actually on a weekend but right in the middle of the week. Fast forward two weeks later, picking Sam up at the airport. Having just received the details on our "camp trip" I realize that the camp is actually east of Yosemite -- equidistant but not between San Francisco and Los Angeles. Begins an epic journey into a nostalgic past of camp-going, of bullshiting and pretending to know what we're doing -- of filming ropes coarses, horses and water sports.

Sam and I each day look at each other and laugh. We have to ask: how the hell did we get here, in the Sierra National Forest? People ask us at the camp and it's literally hard not to laugh as Sam answers the inevitable question, "You flew out here from New York for this, really?"

But don't let me say the wrong thing here. Sam is a misunderstood genius, and worth understanding. He is sincere, even if he seems sarcastic. All the time he tells these camp people how he's going to make a sick montage of the watersports, and he means it, he really does. He also, for reasons unknown, decides not to mention when I pick him up at the airport that it is his birthday. When I ask him about it later he says, "I don't even think about it, honestly." Sam is a master of misdirection. He is, often, blatantly subtle.

We drive to Berkeley after completing our three days of camp at the Gold Arrow Camp (GAC). There we meet up with Gabriella, whose parents and house seem somehow lifted from a children's tale or a Roald Dahl book. Sam and I are like drunks waking up to real life. We are unhappily finding that the real world is not like camp, that we have to worry about things like how to pay rent, where to eat, and not where is the good tinder for the campfire? This trip to Gabriella's gives us a chance to hunker down and adjust. Gabriella's dog Charley (recently neutered) runs around with a collar on his head, running into furniture with stunning effect. Gabriella and her mother speak Spanish to each other, entire side-conversations. The coffee is wonderful. I can picture it sitting there.

Later that day Sam, Gabriella and I visit San Francisco. We check out City Lights, the book store the beats built, and buy a book each. We drive around, up and down hills, and Gabriella and I laugh and laugh as Sam reads in the back. "When I get started, I have to finish," Sam says as I exhort him, playing Dad, to look up from his book and out the window at the hills, the trams, the bridges, the cute hippy girls.

That night we have dinner with Lisa, a former roommate of mine. When I lived with Lisa, I had just moved to the city after graduating, going home, finding my girlfriend seeing someone else and spending one of loneliest summers ever getting up in the morning and writing. Lisa was a banker-in-training, coming home and drinking wine, not sure at all that she wanted to be in that world. Lily moved to New York that fall, and we started seeing each other. After we lived together Lisa took her bonus and ran to the West Coast, where she works for the Gap and is dating a guy from St. Louis. Strangely enough, Sam met Lisa when he crashed at my place. The first thing he said to Lisa was "I'm not Joe." They then went to breakfast, a movie, and spent the day wandering around. Sam is full of surprises.

Sam, Lisa, myself and Lisa's friend Caitlin went to Napa Valley the next day and went wine tasting and played bocce ball. The sun was bright.

On the drive back to Los Angeles, and with plenty of amazement at the events of past week, Sam said: "Well, nothing disastrous happened." I like that Sam approaches the things that happen to him like he might a script he is writing -- able to smile at not knowing what comes next.

LUDO's big break

Andrew Volpe and the band LUDO will be on Fuse TV tomorrow, Tuesday, July 13 , competing with two other bands to win a music video contract! The band won a contest to get to New York, where they are being flown and put up for the show. The show, called "Daily Download," airs at 6PM Eastern Time, 5PM Central Time, and 3PM Pacific Time. Fuse TV is channel 132 in New York, channel 139 in St. Louis, and channel 158 in Los Angeles.

The website for the channel -- "MTV without the crappy shows" -- is www.fuse.tv. Voting for the competition starts this Friday (7/16) and continues till next Friday! Make sure to check them out, tell your friends, and vote as much as possible starting this Friday for LUDO! For more info on the band check out their website at www.ludorock.com. This is their big break, and we can all do something to help them out.

"How I Got Lost" & where it left me

Welcome to the new Blatantly Subtle blog! Screw the message board! This blog is for the detailed nuance of life in Los Angeles and New York trying to make movies without losing your mind. It will dwell on personal details, small logistics, attacks, ironic stories that never mention the word "irony," and questions that stick.

I hope it isn't too self-indulgent.

My name is Joe Leonard. I am one of the founders of Blatantly Subtle Productions, a small production company that has produced short films and held screenings in New York over the last two years. I recently moved to Los Angeles, where I am living alone in a house in Burbank, struggling to finish a movie, rewrite a script, look for a job, meet people and make friends, and in general figure out what the hell I am going to do with the next five years of my life.

Right now my goal is to get a dog. But that's far off, honestly.

My last movie, "How I Got Lost," has been used for the web address for this blog. That's because it is as good a haiku as any for the last few years of my life. I am still looking for ways to find things new, and wandering off is one way to do that. That's part of how I ended up in LA.

"How I Got Lost" is my current project, which will be finished this summer and screened in New York this fall -- along with "Sell Out," Sam Mestman's film, "A Love Thing," Bryan Friedman's film, and hopefully even "Homo Erectus Erectus," Gabriella Dentamaro's film. Many of the entries will relate to these projects and this screening, and the progress getting there.

There will also be some stories from LA about looking for work in the film industry, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and other unrelated items.

Burbank

Los Angeles is like summer camp, but I am the only camper. My first night here I went to the grocery and bought some bread and I'm not kidding, Juliette Lewis let me jump in front of her in line because she had so many (strange) things in her cart: cantaloupe, Corona, brownie mix... And she said "see you round" as I left which Lily think means she was hitting on me. I think that's cool but not likely. (By the way, Lily is coming out tomorrow!) Only people in movies and me shop on a Saturday night is what I take from the experience.

Yesterday Gabriella and I went to the beach and bought flip-flops. Gabriella is visiting town. It was great-fun.

What else? Oh, my job is on hold -- they are putting together a "budget." What they don't know is, my price is going up. Because let me tell you, guys, I am in demand out here. No, that's a lie. On the other hand, this ain't a bad place to be and I'm not sweating it yet.

I am also my own counselor here at summer camp.

I have started writing and editing my movie again. I've also been getting up very early and trying to run, although I don't actually make it very far. There is a mountain I can run towards, up a hill. Like most people who are out of shape, all I can hear as I run is Eye of the Tiger. Sometimes though I hear Nightswimming and that's when I know my cellphone is
ringing.

It's weird living alone but I like my place. I have my own kitchen, my own living room and my own bathroom. I am Suzy Homemaker all of the sudden. Yesterday I bought potpourri spray.

Here is my address and the land line at my place, although the best way for you to reach me is still my cellphone. But if you see an 818 number, don't screen the call.

Joe Leonard
707 S. Glenoaks Blvd.
Burbank, CA 91502

(818)842-5931
(646)526-8689 cell

Hope all is well and be in touch!

Adventures in LA

Last week I was in LA. This is my, um, journal.

LA – day 1

It is nice weather out here, I have to admit. 80 degrees and sunny through the haze. I got a ride from the airport to the car rental place from a friendly shuttle driver, and then promptly drove my rental car out into an hour and a half of traffic to get to Jared's place in Hollywood... Jared is attending AFI.

Jared's place is nice, the room small. There is a pool but Jared doesn't know any of the other people who live there. Jared was very upset about the Nets beating the Pistons when I got there.

My first meal in LA with Jared was at a Taco stand/Car Wash. Very good burritos.

My first drink in LA was at the Dresden. You remember Marty and Elaine, the terrible lounge singers in "Swingers"? They were there.

People are friendly enough. Life here seems pleasant enough. It feels good to be here but I am willing to admit I haven't decided this is a good idea yet. Tonight I'm meeting up with some friends for drinks. We are going to a place called Cat & Fiddle. It is supposed to be like a beer garden. I have called everyone I think I know out here. We'll see what happens. Tonight I know Johnny is having a bachelor party in New York...

So far it feels lonely out here -- not enough people around, not enough people I know, too many cars and everyone in their own space. Maybe tonight will wear down that idea. We'll see.

More to come...


LA – day 2

Today I went swimming with my cellphone -- again. (I did the same thing last time I was in LA) My new phone seems to be working very well...

Today was, as promised, more promising.

Jared and I met up with Deanna and Leslie, two of our friends from our Italy trip. Leslie told me "everyone's moving out here, Joe." Deanna told me she was getting married.

Then we went to a Thai place called The Palms, where we saw an Asian Elvis impersonator, who was very good and who was not wearing a wig but really had an impressive pompodour.

Then we walked from Jared's place to a Hollywood bar, called the Beauty Bar -- that's right, it was just like the Beauty Bar in New York, except not a dive, which at least I thought was the point. Several people met us there, including Ryan Case, a girl I knew from NYU who is now in charge of Post-Production for The Simple Life 2.

It was a fun night. We went to a few different places and I woke up feeling good actually. Then we went to a strange dark place called Ye Rustic Inn for brunch and a bloody mary. Very good.

I have been out by the pool for part of today. I am about to leave Jared's to return my rental car and check into a hotel.


LA – day 4

I am sitting in a room at a hotel by the airport watching planes land. The runway is a couple of blocks away. It isn't as terrifying to watch them from this angle as it is to be inside a plane as it descends. From where I am sitting here it looks graceful.

They have these purple trees here that don't look real. No one seems to know what they are called, and they are in bloom and everywhere. They are something out of Dr. Seuss, and they line the streets. LA is on crack.

I had my big interview this morning. I was in an office with big windows, and you could see the Hollywood sign on the hill outside. I was offered a freelance project working on an old Arnold documentary. As in Arnold Schwarzenegger. Kind of a Pumping Iron 2. It's a test. The owner said I couldn't be hired as a trailer editor (what I thought I might be offered) because ultimately I am interested in film production and not advertising (true). So much for that idea. It was interesting. I was initially disappointed but as the day went on it seemed more and more like good fortune, the way adversity sometimes makes you feel like a hero.

The day was beautiful. I went to AFI (the American Film Institute) and got a tour. AFI is a 2 year graduate film program, divided by discipline. For example, Jared is there in the Screenwriting program. It was a relief to hear about something that I understood -- this other job stuff I may as well put on a suit every day. The odd thing is that that is exactly how the film industry is run, by MBAs. Not a surprise, but surprising the extent to which business has co-opted every aspect of the filmmaking fantasy. But AFI was nice. To tell you the truth, the stuff they do there is exactly what Blatantly Subtle does. They make movies and learn from them.

I must admit there is a calm, numbing overtone to everything in LA... People carry a look like someone just punched their dog. Last night I went to a comedy show. The comedy club was in a strip mall, but was surprisingly good and fun. I do like being out here. And I have to admit that I cannot imagine what I will be doing in New York five years from now, and I can out here. And I feel like it's worth checking out more. This is where the money is, where the jobs are, and where the stinking filthy film industry is. And while there is no major job offer on the table, at least for the summer I have nothing to lose by being out here -- it's summer camp. That said, I won't like having to leave New York or being away from Lily or from the rest of you guys.

I have another day or so to make the decision. I miss you guys and I'll be back in town on Saturday.